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Hit-Or-Miss

Maryland Teen Breaks Into Home, Eats Food, Whacks Off Then Bounces

Some little fartling has raised the bar for shittiness worldwide by not only breaking into someone’s house and stealing shit, but then eating the homeowner’s food and masturbating into his fridge. Don’t read that sentence again, you read it right the first time. This little hellspawn literally chowed down then began badgering his witness right into the fruits and vegetables drawer.

Kids these days, am I right?

The crime of passion took place in Laurel, Maryland, on the 3400 block of Old Annapolis Road.

The victim had been robbed before when an intruder broke in and stole an electronic tablet, so he decided to set up cameras throughout the house in order to catch any future would-be thieves. It was later discovered that the little splooge scrooge that was punchin’ his munchkin into the fridge was the same suspect that robbed the house the first time.

On November 7th, 2015, the Anne Arundel County Police Department was alerted of a breach in security at the home. After reviewing the tape, police saw the suspect walk into the kitchen and eat the homeowner’s food. The little semen demon then topped off the night with his pièce de résistance, which was his plan to smite his knight into the fridge.

Dude…why? I can’t figure out why this 15-year-old spermin’ vermin chose to bash his bishop directly into the fridge rather than pop a squat on the couch or take a stroll into one of the bedrooms.

Police eventually tracked the sproglodyte down and arrested him, charging him with two counts of first degree burglary, three counts of theft and my personal favorite, cause to ingest bodily fluid. I didn’t even know that was something you could be charged with.

Moral of the story? If you’re going to adjust your antenna, do it in the privacy of your own home, on your own food.

Image Source: iFunny, Comic Vine

By Sean Fahmy

Sean's favorite foods are hot wings, cheeseburgers, seafood and gummy candy. He will likely die from both diabetes and obesity, or "diabesity." He's cool with that.

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