Hit-Or-Miss Humor

Honoring The Most Interesting Man In The World With His Best Lines

He once took a trip to the Virgin Islands. Now they’re just called “The Islands.”

For the last decade, Jonathan Goldsmith has been seen on television portraying the life of a man so amazing and intriguing that he is simply known as…the most interesting man in the world.

After so many golden one-liners over the years, the geniuses at Dos Equis that employed him have finally decided to put the longstanding campaign to rest. In what might be the most honorable departure the world has ever known, Dos Equis put the man on a rocket ship and sent him to Mars, which I am led to believe is the equivalent to sending a regular old guy to a retirement home.

His notoriety is so well-known and popular that there was even a meme created out of him.

He is truly a spectacle to behold and a living legend. In order to properly honor him and all the crazy, borderline superhuman things he’s capable of, Livin3 put together a collection of his 100 greatest and funniest accomplishments:

  1. He gave his father “the talk”
  2. His passport requires no photograph
  3. When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
  4. Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
  5. His 5 de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
  6. His feet don’t get blisters, but his shoes do
  7. He once went to the psychic, to warn her
  8. If he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank him
  9. Whatever side of the tracks he’s currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he’ll still be on the right side
  10. He can speak Russian… in French
  11. He never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken
  12. Superman has pijamas with his logo
  13. His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
  14. The circus ran away to join him
  15. Bear hugs are what he gives bears
  16. He once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds
  17. When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
  18. His friends call him by his name, his enemies don’t call him anything because they are all dead
  19. He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool
  20. If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark
  21. He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
  22. He can kill two stones with one bird
  23. His signature won a Pulitzer
  24. When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
  25. He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
  26. The dark is afraid of him
  27. Sharks have a week dedicated to him
  28. His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
  29. No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
  30. He once made a weeping willow laugh
  31. He lives vicariously through himself
  32. His business card simply says ‘I’ll Call You”
  33. He once taught a german shepherd how to bark in spanish
  34. He bowls overhand
  35. In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
  36. He is allowed to talk about the fight club
  37. He once won a fist fight, only using his beard
  38. He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle
  39. A bird in his hand is worth three in the bush
  40. His lovemaking has been detected by a seismograph
  41. The Holy Grail is looking for him
  42. Roses stop to smell him
  43. He once started a fire using only dental floss and water
  44. His sweat is the cure for the common cold
  45. Bigfoot tries to get pictures of him
  46. Werewolves are jealous of his beard
  47. He once turned a vampire into a vegetarian
  48. He once won the world series of poker using UNO cards
  49. He never wears a watch because time is always on his side
  50. He has taught old dogs a variety of new tricks
  51. He has won the lifetime achievement award… twice
  52. If opportunity knocks, and he’s not at home, opportunity waits
  53. Batman watches Saturday morning cartoons about him
  54. When he was young he once sent his parents to his room
  55. He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels
  56. His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body
  57. His blood smells like cologne
  58. On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. His hands feel like rich brown suede
  59. Mosquitoes refuse to bite him purely out of respect
  60. He is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaks
  61. Once while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut
  62. Panhandlers give him money
  63. When he goes to Spain, he chases the bulls
  64. His shadow has been on the ‘best dressed’ list twice
  65. When he holds a lady’s purse, he looks manly
  66. Two countries went to war to dispute HIS nationality
  67. When in Rome, they do as HE does
  68. His pillow is cool on BOTH sides
  69. The Nobel Academy was awarded a prize from HIM
  70. While swimming off the coast of Australia, he once scratched the underbelly of the Great White with his right han
  71. He taught Chuck Norris martial arts
  72. Time waits on no one, but him
  73. Once he ran a marathon because it was “on the way”
  74. His mother has a tattoo that says “Son”
  75. The star on his Christmas tree is tracked by NASA
  76. Presidents take his birthday off
  77. His shirts never wrinkle
  78. He has never walked into a spider web
  79. He is left-handed. And right-handed
  80. His shirts never wrinkle
  81. The police often question him, just because they find him interesting
  82. His organ donation card also lists his beard
  83. He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders
  84. His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him
  85. Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores
  86. Even his tree houses have fully finished basements
  87. His garden maze is responsible for more missing persons than the bermuda triangle
  88. If he were to say something costs an arm and a leg, it would
  89. He’s never lost a game of chance
  90. He is the life of parties that he has never attended
  91. He was on a recent archaeological dig and came across prehistoric foot prints that lead out of Africa into all parts of the world. On close inspection, it turned out that the prints were his
  92. He once caught the Loch Ness Monster….with a cane pole, but threw it back
  93. His wallet is woven out of chupacabra leather
  94. He played a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded magnum, and won
  95. Freemasons strive to learn HIS secret handshake
  96. If he was to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume
  97. He is considered a national treasure in countries he’s never visited
  98. Cars look both ways for him, before driving down a street
  99. He once tried to acquire a cold just to see what it felt like, but it didn’t take
  100. He has inside jokes with people he’s never met



Photo Credit: Youtube, CNN Money

By Sean Fahmy

Sean's favorite foods are hot wings, cheeseburgers, seafood and gummy candy. He will likely die from both diabetes and obesity, or "diabesity." He's cool with that.

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