Thanks to a collection of cheese thieves causing an uproar in Wisconsin, I’ve decided to teach you, the good people of the cheesiest country in the world, how to properly steal cheese.
First, you’re going to need to find a large source of cheese, and I don’t mean your dad’s lame jokes, I mean real cheese. According to Consumerist, one good place to start is storage facilities in Marshfield, Wisconsin. Just last week, a group of thieves stole a huge chunk of Parmesan cheese from said facilities.
Next, you’re gonna need a ride of some sort. Every good cheese thief has a getaway vehicle, or else we would be hearing stories of cheese thieves getting arrested a lot more often. If you don’t have a cheese vehicle, you can always do what thieves do and steal one, just like the criminals last Friday did.
These cheesy go-getters got their hands on a semi-tractor packed to the brim with cheese, then simply took off and never looked back, cruising around with a shit ton of that dairy goodness valued at around $90,000.
Lastly, you’re going to need a transfer point. Any decent heist involves the transfer of goods from one vehicle to another vehicle, even if it’s not necessary. It just has to be done, for aesthetics.
The cheese thieves did just that, by driving the semi full of cheese to their own truck, transferring the goods, then allowing the truck to be left for dead. When authorities finally managed to find the truck, they were shocked to see that it was empty. One Lieutenant Todd Grenier made an astute observation, saying, “We found that the trailer was empty.”
Riveting stuff, lieutenant.
A word of advice to all my cheese-thieving adventurers: brie all that you can brie, and eventually, you too will see cheddar days.