How To Make Bloomin’ Onion Bites [WATCH]

Get your grubbing, disgusting fingers out of my food!
Sharing is caring right? Right. But not when you lick your fingers sucking back pieces of fried onion while going in for another helping without wiping them dry. Thats just straight disrespect and flat out disgusting.

That said, I was inspired to make personal bites that would refrain from this ever happening to you again. I present you with Bloomin’ Onion Bites. All the fun of eating fried onions without the bacteria backlash of your dumb ass friend who can’t comprehend the meaning of NO DOUBLE DIPPING.

They’re easy, they’re delicious, and they’re yours. Using any sort of mini onion you can find (red, white, yellow i’m not racist towards onions) a bath of seasoned flour and a pot of hot oil and you’re set. Use a tart mayo ketchup-based dipping sauce and the only thing that will be left over after eating these is a desire for more.


How To Make Pizza Roses

I live in a world where bridging the gap between edible and inedible food creations has become a daily feat, but the story of my Pepperoni Pizza Roses was built on a sad, sad day.

There I was, heading home to see my girlfriend, and I had an epiphany of the “damn I’d like to get laid”-variety, so I decided to spontaneously surprise her with something. It wasn’t her birthday, it wasn’t Valentine’s Day, I was just trying to do something a little bit out of the ordinary.


That in mind, I picked up a bouquet of roses and my girl’s favorite means of nourishment, some NY-style pizza. I was in LA visiting from Canada, so I had to hit the Yelp-box for the good reccos. I ended up at some joint I can’t remember the name of, but my plan was set and pizza was in hand — I flew home, box of pizza and flowers burning a hole into my rental’s passenger seat.

Then it happened.

I climbed the steps to her apartment, and jiggled the keys into the door, juggling both the pizza and the flowers in my off hand.

Being the amazing multi-tasker that I am, as soon as the door flung open my Nikes caught the lip of the doorway triggering my pizza/flower hand to compensate by letting everything fall to the floor. Yeah, the pizza, box completely open, and flowers, crumbling, all scattered on the floor.


Pizza Roses!

There I was — staring at the beautiful, sad mess…a fucked up Picasso of pizza, hardwood flooring and roses. I looked around, my girl no where to be seen, and when I should have been fuming, inspiration had struck. How cool would it be to make roses out of PIZZA?!

With Valentine’s Day looming a few short days away, I figured I’d try to forget this bullshit just happened and just  surprise her with something even better. Thus: Pepperoni Pizza Roses.

I hope she doesn’t read this story before Sunday, because I want these beauties to be a surprise. For everyone else who wants to make them, hope you treat your belly with some love.