There are those who might think the invention of a hamburger vending machine is taking mechanized fast food a little too far. In a world of drive-thrus and 60-second orders, do we really need to make the entire process that much faster and impersonal? We would ask those people to contemplate the following scenario.
Both pork and beans contain thiamine and riboflavin, which researchers at the University of Massachusetts–Amherst are saying may help with the symptoms of PMS. Apparently, “women who consumed 1.9 milligrams of thiamine and 2.5 milligrams of riboflavin per day had a twenty-five to thirty-five percent lower risk of developing PMS.” Since it’s well-documented that PMS is about one hundred percent awful, those numbers look pretty good to us.
More importantly, women who took riboflavin and thiamine supplements didn’t see the same results as the women who just ate pork and beans, meaning this is one problem that a pill can’t fix. The jury’s still out on whether or not PMS (and world) problems can be solved with a bunch of chocolate and a screening of The Notebook, but in the meantime we’ll be over here eating a bowl of pork and beans and listening to Weezer. Just in case.
Futurama fans know that the show’s robot characters are just as capable of chugging alcoholic brews as their human co-stars. But what about human viewers at home who want the chance to go on a bender with Bender?
Luckily, the people over at The Insatiable Geek have it covered, with a recipe for Mom’s Robot Oil that combines dark beer and Jagermeister to create the perfect alcoholic concoction. On Futurama, Mom’s Robot Oil is advertised as containing ten percent more love than other leading brands. We’re pretty sure that The Insatiable Geek’s version has at least that much love, plus the added bonus of personal connection with an animated robot.
Best served in a tin can with some popcorn and a Hulu+ account.
Ahhh, the Paleo Diet. This 21st century brainchild of Dr. Loren Cordain suggests that modern Americans cut out grains, dairy products, refined sugars, and legumes in favor of a diet closer to the one followed by our Paleolithic ancestors. We took four of Cordain’s recommended foods and asked a very intelligent, very healthy-looking caveman to weigh in with some advice for modern Americans hoping to get the true Paleo experience.
Dear Modern Readers,
I get it. I really do. Your eating habits have evolved from tracking mammoths and killing saber-toothed tigers to dollar menus and drive-thrus. You yearn to return to the heavy-browed physical prowess of your Paleolithic ancestors, but don’t quite know where to start. I’m here to help you. Below, I’ve outlined four basic foods of the Paleo Diet and offered some tips to help ease your transition to your healthy, happy, and hairy caveman self.
Beef = Mammoth?
The health benefits of eating “beef” begin with the sheer physical effort required to bring one of these animals down. You will be running and leaking terror-sweat from every pore of your body in order to avoid being trampled and/or gored by your dinner, which means that (assuming you survive) you’ll have burned over five hundred calories before you even take your first bite!
Helpful tip— make sure your spears are sharpened and the “stab” setting is on (hunting with a dull spear is the most common dietary mistake made by modern Americans).
Feathers > Food
Poultry is always a popular choice for cavemen who enjoy spending hours painstakingly yanking individual feathers out of bloody carcasses. When properly caught and prepared, the health benefits of eating poultry include increased manual dexterity and temporary satiation after hours of physical labor.
Helpful tip— go ahead and roast your bird as close to an open flame as possible. The carcinogens from the charred bird won’t begin to affect your health until way past your expected lifespan.
More vegetables, less death
Nothing beats a delicious handful of insect-infested seasonal veggies! Keep in mind that as a Paleolithic human, you probably spend most of your time either hunting things that want to kill you or gathering plants and hoping they won’t. Make sure you’re well-versed on poisonous versus non-poisonous greenery.
Helpful tip— Dirt and urine can overpower the taste of individual vegetables. Make sure you shake off as much soil as possible, and try not to forage too close to animal marking sites.
Fruit is natural Splenda
Since you have no other access to sweet and/or sugary foods, fruit provides a much-needed burst of flavor to your diet. Just be careful while climbing any kind of fruit tree, because a fall and the resulting broken bone could be a Paleolithic death sentence.
Helpful tip— Enjoy fruit while you have it, since the cold climate and short summer months make seasonal fruits a limited luxury. Avoid feelings of deprivation by painting pictures of fruit on the nearest cave wall.
The key to Paleo success is holding your food to a higher standard. Will buying that chocolate cupcake give you nourishment, exercise, weaponry, and an enormous pelt to keep you toasty warm during the winter months? If you answered “no,” you might want to reconsider your eating habits. If you answered “yes,” quit bragging and share your cupcake.
The espresso-soaked streets of Oregon’s cities are often hailed as a mecca for coffee fanatics, where the plaid-clad residents enjoy everything from Starbucks lattes to locally brewed artisan coffees. But Oregon’s caffeine addiction has created an entirely new category of unwillingly caffeinated residents — the marine wildlife off of the Oregon coastline.
Scientists studying water pollution have discovered elevated levels of caffeine in the Pacific Ocean around the Oregon coast, thanks to water-disposal systems that flush the wastewater from Oregon’s cities into the ocean. Researchers used caffeine levels as a benchmark of pollution because caffeine is both artificially manufactured and easy to track, making it the perfect way to measure human impact on offshore environments.
Though the existence of a caffeine sea might be a dream come true for human coffee lovers who would jump at the chance to marinate in their favorite beverage, scientists interviewed by National Geographic aren’t too sure about the effects that the caffeine could have on the animals living in what hydrologist Dana Kolpin calls “a soup of low-level contaminants.”
Points to Kolpin for finding the nicest euphemism for “thousands of gallons of caffeinated urine,” but it still looks like Oregon’s residents should reevaluate their latte consumption and water treatment methods before a sea of pissed-off fish start demanding a line of underwater Starbucks.