Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

File this 45-Page Water Menu Under ‘Sh*t Only Rich People Can Relate To’

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This week’s edition of “Sh*t That Could Only Happen in Los Angeles, Like Seriously” is brought to you by LA-based eatery Ray’s & Stark Bar, which will make history next week by unveiling a brand-new, 45-page menu featuring . . . water. Just water. Different bottled waters, to be fair, including water from ten different countries and carrying a variety of price tags. But still, water. The same stuff that you can get at your neighborhood Starbucks or McDonald’s for exactly $0. Welcome to Los Angeles.

Ray’s & Stark Bar’s bottled water selection is billed as the city’s “most extensive water menu” and features everything from the super luxe Berg, (harvested from glaciers in Western Greenland, retails for $20 a bottle) to the more commonplace Evian (filtered through sand and gravel in the French Alps, $8 a bottle). The menu also features bottles of “9OH2O” water created by Ray’s & Stark’s GM Martin Riese and described as “the champagne of waters” by. . . Riese’s restaurant, of course.

It’s true that there’s probably a taste difference between the water gushing from a Chevron bathroom sink and the glass-bottled selection that Ray’s & Stark is offering. We’re just not really sure that taste difference is worth a $20 price tag. But hey, what’s Los Angeles without a group of aficionados loudly declaring their preference for volcanically filtered groundwater over the freshwater spring alternatives?

Peep the menu in its bougie entirety here:

  Ray’s and Stark Bar Water Menu

H/T + PicThx EaterThe Bitchy Waiter

Categories
Packaged Food

Pillsbury Releases Gluten-Free Pizza and Cookie Dough, Because Gluten-Free People Get the Munchies Too

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Let’s be real: a gluten-free diet might have tons of health benefits, but we’d need to be stricken by some limb-munching supervirus before we’d consider living a life without pizza. Or donuts. Or cookie dough. Luckily for gluten-intolerant folks with pizza-centric priorities, dough marketing giant Pillsbury has finally taken notice and released a line of gluten-free products.

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Yep, you read that right. Alternative health movements are becoming so mainstream that the Pillsbury Doughboy is doing some gluten-free giggling in the refrigerated aisle. But hey, we’re happy about anything that brings instant pizza to as many people as possible.

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The Pillsbury line also features a variety of tasty gluten-free goodies (including chocolate chip cookie dough) and a list of gluten-free recipes compiled by none other than Iron Chef alum Cat Cora. Because the only thing better than delicious frozen dough is reality TV superstars telling you how to pop that sh*t in the oven for maximum deliciousness.

Pillsbury’s new gluten-free line will be available at most major grocery retailers.

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

Science Says Testicles and Anuses Have Taste Receptors, Time to Invest in Bacon Condoms!

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Next time you’re stuffing fistfuls of delicious bacon into your mouth, you might want to consider sticking a piece or two of crispy goodness into your crotch, then up your butt for good measure. No, I’m not suggesting you develop a kinky bacon fetish (although experimenting with bacon condoms is always a good idea), I’m just a firm believer in enjoying the maple-hickory goodness with all of your body’s taste receptors. Including the ones chilling on the tops of your testicles and at the entrance to your anus. Yeah, you read that right: if you have testicles, you also have a gorgeous set of taste receptors right at the tippy tops of your gonads, just waiting to approve or disapprove your flavored condom choices. The same goes for the neat cluster of taste receptors sitting just inside your anus, although we feel kind of bad for that particular part of your anatomy . . . something tells us Nature gave them the sh*tty end of the stick.

If you’re worried that taste is about to become more of an anal and testicular than an oral pastime, don’t be — the taste receptors in your anus and testicles aren’t likely to overwhelm more traditional forms of taste any time soon. In fact, your non-oral taste receptors (which, by the way, are also present in your stomach, intestines, pancreas, lungs, and brain) are pretty much limited to tasting sweet and umami flavors (like the kind contained in bacon, for example). None of your non-oral taste receptors come close to the tasting power of your tongue, however, so you probably won’t be tasting your toilet paper.

At this point, though, you’re likely less concerned with where the funky taste receptors are and more curious about why any possible evolutionary process would slap some taste receptors where the sun don’t shine. Unfortunately, science doesn’t really have an answer. . . yet. Scientists discovered the unusual taste receptors while studying fertility in rats, and they know that taking away male rat’s testicular taste receptors rendered them permanently sterile. So we know that, somehow, tasting the delicate bouquet of ballsweat flavors is vital to the reproduction process, we just don’t know why. Researchers will continue to study the link between flavor receptors and reproduction, and we’ll continue to pretend we don’t know any of this information. At least until the next time we grab some bacon-flavored condoms.

H/T Business Insider + PicThx Jezebel

Categories
Cravings

If Your Wedding Doesn’t Include this Sushi Cake, You’re Doing Marriage Wrong

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The only thing better than a sushi wedding cake is sticking it to the haters who can’t handle the glory of your fish-infused wedding celebration. I came across this sushi masterwork as the #1 entry on a Worst Wedding Cakes list, and was actually pretty outraged that something this perfect got stuck on any kind of diss list. If you’re one of the people who’d reject a sushi cake over the frosting-heaped alternative, allow me to lay out exactly what you’re missing.

Fish is a natural aphrodisiac, so gorging yourself at the buffet table will only increase your chances of an A+ honeymoon. It’s true that your more conservative relatives might be a bit shocked by the eccentricity of a salmon-themed dessert dish, but you know they’ll be Instagramming that sh*t like the “share” button is a life preserver in a sea of rapidly hardening fondant. And if the sushi is particularly tasty? You’ll be the social media darling of everyone’s Facebook newsfeeds. Plus, sushi is effing delicious, environmentally friendly, and will keep you smart well into old age.

But hey, if you’d rather spend your wedding night snoring atop an enormous pile of shattered expectations, go ahead and order the chocolate cake with tiers of buttercream frosting. It’ll make for some sleepy and sluggish sexcapades, bore everyone to tears in the traditional “cutting the cake” photos, and your great aunt Muriel will be able to tell everyone that she could bake a better one while knitting with both hands tied behind her back. Personally, I’d go with sushi, but it’s your sex life.

Step-by-step instructions to the sushi cake of your dreams can be found over at RobertandChristina.com.

PicThx RobertandChristina

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

No Sh*t: McDonald’s Releases Chart Saying It’s Impossible to Live on a McDonald’s Salary

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McDonald’s wants their thousands of employees to know that anyone can survive on Mickey D’s minimum-wage paychecks . . . as long as they have a second job. And don’t buy food. And all of their expenses are way, way below the national average. Then they’re good to go.

Think we’re exaggerating? Take a look at McDonald’s step-by-step budgeting guide for their employees, most of whom are paid minimum wage to flip burgers and mop up gallons of “special sauce” from bathroom floors. McDonald’s partnered with Visa to create a bizarrely out of touch list of basic expenses that tells their employees to spend $20 a month on health insurance (for the record, McDonald’s cheapest health insurance plan charges employees $54 a month), $600 on rent/mortgage payments (average monthly rent in the United States is $804) and exactly $0 on heat (guess the employees at the twenty-one Alaskan locations are sh*t outta luck).

But wait, it gets better. Even after dramatically downplaying average monthly expenses, McDonald’s still couldn’t stretch the numbers enough to justify making a living on rock-bottom wages. So the list assumes that all McDonald’s employees have a second job that pulls $900 a month. And that they can survive without food, since the projected food budget is . . . nonexistent.

After taking a look at this list, we’re impressed by McDonald’s commitment to minimum-wage fantasyland. But we’re betting their employees would be more impressed with a raise. Peep the budget guide below.

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H/T + PicThx Gothamist

Categories
Sweets

Hungry? Grab a Snickers Popcorn Cupcake

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As far as party tricks go, we all know there’s nothing more impressive than showing people the right way to eat a cupcake. But what if that cupcake is topped with popcorn? And covered with caramel, nougat, peanuts? And the entire thing has been drizzled and dunked in enough chocolate to make your wildest dreams come true? When you turn that Snickers-inspired chocolate fest into a cupcake sandwich (definition: here) and walk away with clean cheeks and a Cheshire grin, we’re pretty sure you’ve just leveled up to party king status.

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Of course, first you have to make the cupcake. This thing is labeled as the ultimate party treat for “Snickers Superfans” and it’s pretty easy to see why. Just looking at it makes us want to attack the nearest vending machine with a fistful of quarters and the last shreds of our dignity, but no worries — if you can contain yourself long enough to pop into the store, a bag of the mini Snickers is all you need. Pop over to The Cupcake Bandits for the recipe and let your inner Snickers fan go crazy.

H/T Neatorama + PicThx The Cupcake Bandits

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

69% of Americans Ruin Bloomberg’s Day By Rejecting Sugary Drink Ban

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We hope Mayor Bloomberg enjoys the bitter taste of defeat in his morning coffee, because a new Gallup poll shows that most Americans have no desire to limit their soft drink consumption. No, not even to the 16 ounces that Bloomberg pushed for back in March.

The poll found that 69% of Americans oppose laws that would restrict the size of soft drinks and beverages with a comparable sugar content to 16 oz or less when served in restaurants. Anti-soft drink activists like Bloomberg have pushed for soda restriction by arguing that limiting available sizes would cut down on rates of obesity in places like New York City, but Bloomberg’s attempts to pass the restrictions into law were shot down in March by a judge pointing out that it was unfair to limit the sizes of sodas and not milk-based drinks.

Our nationwide caffeine addiction might have something to do with Americans’ widespread disapproval of sugary beverage restriction laws, since 2/3 of Americans drink coffee every single day and coffee falls under the umbrella of “sugary beverages.” Imagine a world in which Starbucks is forced to tell armies of high-powered lawyers in expensive suits that their usual Trenta-sized lattes are now permanently  unavailable, and you’ll probably get an idea of why the proposed restrictions are so unpopular. Sorry, Bloomberg. You tried it.

H/T Gallup

Categories
Technology

New Gadget Calculates Tips, Splits the Bill, and Prevents You From Killing Your Dinner Mates

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As far as I’m concerned, splitting the check is the worst possible way to end a meal. It could be the absolute best, most flavorful food I’ve ever tasted, and I could be sharing it with dearly beloved friends and family members.  That won’t stop me from wanting to ram forks into my eye sockets after five minutes of passing the bill back and forth and arguing about how much of a tip would be “fair” for each person if Sarah spent $12 on a milkshake and everyone else just got water. So if you told me that there was an invention that not only calculated tips for me, but also allowed me to swipe my own credit card, split my own bill, and get me signed, sealed, and out the door in less time than it would normally take me to say “Check please,” I might just explode with joy.

Okay, that was an exaggeration. No explosions happened when I discovered the RAIL, a handy gadget developed by Washington-based startup Viableware, but there was definitely a gasp. And maybe an obscenity or two. The RAIL allows customers to pay their own bill without waiting for the server to bring their check, and it contains handy features that let you do all of the necessary number crunching with no muss, no fuss, and no eyeball stabbing. That’s a pretty big deal for the mathematically challenged among us. The devices are roughly $200 apiece, which makes them pricey but probably worth it for restaurants looking to maximize customer satisfaction. And hey, minimal calculation-induced frustration probably means bigger tips for servers. Success all around!

H/T + PicThx CNN