Fast Food

17-Year-Old Collapses Due to McNugget Overdose

Among the ranks of fast food heroes are Herman Cain, known for his Godfathers’ Pizza affiliation and his gospel songs about pizza, Susan Guy, Domino’s deliverer extraordinaire, and the woman who cried when In-N-Out burger opened in Texas. These people have loved fast food to a mentally unhealthy degree, in a way that is fun to watch and even, to some of us who cry at Zaxby’s and make up fake birthdays in order to eat at Outback, relate-able.

However, there can be such a thing as a fast food non-hero (now taking suggestions for a more clever title). And I’m sad to present to you the first reported case of a fast food non-hero, Stacey Irvine. Ms. Irvine fell in love with chicken nuggets at age two, and has eaten little else since. In fact, she claims never to have enjoyed a fresh fruit or vegetable.

(ed note: Thankfully, years of chicken nugget overdose appears to have not affected her skin or body type!)

“McDonald’s chicken nuggets are my favourite. I share 20 with my boyfriend with chips,” says Ms. Irvine, now interviewing with various news outlets after her recent collapse due to nutrients deficiency. Her nug lovin’ has not only caused Ms. Irvine to be seriously nutritionally impaired, it’s also caused anemia and swollen tongue veins (??). But of course, I, as a psych-nut, have to wonder about the psychological addiction I’m sure she’s got going on: how hard must it be for her to quit the food that has been her life-blood for basically her entire solid-food-eating life? Ms. Irvine claims to eat very little other than nuggets, occasionally supplementing her diet with things like chips and toast.

Combine the studies about the addictive qualities of fast food with the concept of having to quit something you’ve been doing since before you could form a complete sentence…and you’ve got one helluva situation to overcome.

Stacey, who has been urged to drastically change her diet, is currently at home recovering on a high-dose of vitamins of which she has been deficient of for some time.

When not worried about her arterial health, Ms. Irvine’s problems include what the F to do with her massive accumulate of Happy Meal Toys. SERIOUSLY.

Fast Food

All I Want for Christmas is a $2,900 Domino’s Pizza Watch

Dear Foodbeast reader:

Are you struggling to find the perfect gift for that special someone in your life? Do you fear the Christmas crowds in stores? Are you drunk right now, and armed with a credit card?

If you answered yes to all of these questions, consider this year’s hot holiday item, higher than almost everything on everyone’s wishlist ever: the Domino’s-labeled Swiss Army Watch, yours for the low price of $2,900. Hotter this season than even the Strangle-Me-Elmo (patent pending), the Domino’s watch is a timeless gift for you and your kin.

The Domino’s-labeled watch is perfect for anyone who has ever enjoyed a Domino’s pizza and/or telling the time! Scientific research conducted in actual labs proves that staring at the logo of a pizza chain while telling the time can make you happier, godlier and wiser!! Also it’s the perfect conversation starter: why talk about the stock market with your fellow $2,900 watch-wearing friends when you can talk about FREAKING PIZZA?

The Domino’s Swiss Army watch is a must-have accessory to pair with a pair of McDonald’s sneakers, Chick-fil-a baseball cap and Subway-sandwich-printed pants.

*Readers beware of the dangerous knockoff, the Godfather’s Pizza Folex (fake Rolex) brought to you by Herman Cain in his latest post-candidacy endeavor. This watch is valued at approx. $10 and is actually FILLED WITH PIZZA SAUCE.

Fast Food

Wendy’s: The New King of Burgers?

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that Wendy’s is slated to surpass Burger King as the #2 Burger Chain in America, possibly as early as the end of this year. Wendy’s has been making strong, steady improvements for a while now, and experts predict their efforts will soon be rewarded with a silver medal spot alongside obvious front-runner McDonald’s.

So what exactly has Wendy’s done this year?

Et tu, Burger King?

Wendy’s is in the process of a McDonald’s-post-Supersize-Me revamp, with the inclusion of healthy and tasty items to its menu alongside the revamp of old classics like the burgers and (coming soon) the chicken sandwich. In addition, Wendy’s has experienced a physical makeover–though yes, she still sports her pigtails–with restaurants nationwide creating sleeker interiors replete with flat-screen TVs, fireplaces and personal masseuses to attend to customers waiting in line.
Well, JKLOL about the last one, but at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised.
[Thx OCRegister]
Fast Food

Burger King Beefs Up Its Fries

Since the great fry-switch disaster of 1997, when Burger King last changed its fry recipe, I (and many others) have been awaiting a fry revamp from the King. At last, it seems that day has come.

Currently only available in the Chicago-area markets, the new BK french fries are reported to be larger, thicker and no longer coated. Preliminary comparisons have been drawn to the old (pre-sea salt) Wendy’s fries.

Anyone who has tried these fries, please feel free to comment and share the wealth! Are they an improvement on the BK fries of yore?


Red Robin to Launch New Fast-Casual Chain

Burger Works burger

Red Robin, the gourmet burger chain voted #1 Best Burger (Full Service) in this year’s Zagat fast food survey, has announced plans to open a “fast-casual” chain, Burger Works, starting Nov. 21 in Denver, Colorado. Features will include the ability to BYOB (build your own burger, duh) and the presence of beer + wine.

Now, if “fast-casual” sounds less like a restaurant concept and more like your most recent relationship (I’ll be here all week, folks), consider this definition from Wikipedia:

fast casual restaurant is a type of restaurant that does not offer full table service but promises a higher quality of food and atmosphere than a fast food restaurant. In US, it is a relatively new and growing concept positioned between fast food and casual dining>. The typical cost per meal is in the US$8–$15 range.

Burger Works will offer its burgers on the cheap (~$4.99-$5.99) but unlike Red Robin with its signature bottomless fries, BW will cut you off. To make up for it, I guess, they offer the following awesome non-burger menu items:

  • A s’more sundae
  • Sweet potato fries w/ Thai chili ketchup (what the…)
  • Onion straws

Bonus content: it’s really fun to chant “BUR-GER WORKS! BUR-GER WORKS!” over and over and over again. Just saying.