Categories
Recipes

The “Firecracker” Is The Easiest Weed Edible You Will Ever Make

Given that this is Foodbeast, I probably don’t need to explain why edibles are amazing, but I’m going to do it anyways. First of all, edibles give you a completely different high. It’s more like a really awesome, visceral body high. Secondly, they really come in handy if you’re looking to be buzzed for an extended period of time but don’t want to take your stash with you.

One downside to edibles, though, is that they usually take a while to make, not to mention some skill. I’m not sure about you, but ain’t nobody got time to make canna-butter or canna-oil. That’s why I present to you, the “Firecracker.” Some of you true stoners out there may have heard of this concoction before. If you haven’t, all you need to know is that the dish only requires three ingredients, 30 minutes, and an oven. Perfect for when you want that edible but didn’t plan far enough ahead for brownies.

One thing to note about Firecrackers is that I like to describe them as a “choose your own adventure” high. You have direct control over how much weed you’re putting onto the graham cracker, which means you can decide how high you’re going to get. One gram is standard per Firecracker, but if you have a low tolerance, you can customize to your preferences. Also, remember that edibles take a little while to kick in. Don’t be that noob who goes in for seconds 30 minutes later because you don’t think the edible will work. Have faith.

Disclaimer: Since weed is illegal in most states, this recipe was photographed using oregano instead of weed. If you live in a state where weed is legal or if you have a med card (jealous), use the real stuff.  

Firecrackers

Serves: 1

Ingredients:
1 graham cracker sheet
1-2 tablespoons peanut butter
1 gram of weed, if you wanna get hella hyphy 

Directions:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit. Lay out a sheet of aluminum foil.

 

Break graham cracker in half.

 

Spread peanut butter onto one half of graham cracker

 

Grind weed in your grinder, or pick apart until as fine as possible.

 

Sprinkle weed on top of peanut butter. Make sure all pieces are in contact with the peanut butter, as the weed needs to be in contact with the fat from the PB in order to extract the THC.

 

Sandwich the two graham cracker pieces together.

 

Wrap in foil and place in the oven for 25-30 minutes.

 

Enjoy! I like to drizzle mine with a little honey or agave syrup because I’m a bougie bitch.

 

Photos by: Analiese Trimber

Categories
Features Hit-Or-Miss

An Ode To Fresh Carnitas

I approach Grand Central Market. Eyes open, stomach ready to be fed. With one step into the facility, my nostrils contract in shock. Hundreds of aromas float through the air, but there is one that has captivated me. I am no longer me, but an animal who has smelled the unmistakable scent of fresh flesh. I saunter cautiously throughout the establishment, wherever my body takes me. I am in full primal mode, deferring to the whim of my instincts.

Several creatures pass me, as the trance-like state that has consumed me is causing me to travel at a stoic pace. If I were lower on the food chain, I would have been trampled and devoured like yesterday’s meat. But I am no hyena. I am the Queen of the Jungle. Strong, careful, alert. Waiting to meet my reward. Ready to pounce, but only at the right moment.

I pass various other members of the Animal Kingdom acquiring their feed, the strong asserting their influence over the weak. Whoever eats first will reign supreme. I could be impatient like the serfs before me, but my inner lioness only wants the best, the freshest.

A photo posted by @willcpan on

With every pace in the right direction, my taste buds erupt in perspiration. My tongue is tingling. My body is engaged. Soon, I will succumb to the pleasure that awaits me.

Suddenly, I stop in my tracks. The target has been spotted. The sight that lies before me is pure magnificence. I praise my restraint for approaching prudently, without bringing attention others. Lionesses don’t share. Before me is a heap of fresh carnitas, picked from the bone mere moments before. It is a vision of grandeur unlike any other. The steamy, seductive mass burns into my retinas, an image that will never be forgotten.

I hold the carnitas in my hands. I can feel its energy, its purpose, its story. My thoughts amble slowly over the previous life of this flesh until my saliva overflows like a dam that has been comprised. I can’t wait any longer. Fervently, and with a profound hunger, I scarf the meat into my mouth. A familiar feeling of ecstasy washes over my being, but with an unprecedented intensity.

A photo posted by @xel Chali (@axlkid) on

I eat and eat until there is no more. I lick my chops, as my meal comes to a close. Sated, yet still hungry, for the next time we meet again.

Categories
Features Health Humor

Unfiltered Thoughts You Have During Day 1 Of A Juice Cleanse

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Juice cleanses are pretty trendy. They’re also pretty controversial, as several people swear by them while others think they’re a complete hoax. I’ve done two juice cleanses in my life and I’m even still on the fence. But what is for certain is starting a juice cleanse sucks under any circumstances. Jesus could come down from heaven and personally wish you luck on your cleanse journey, but that still wouldn’t nearly be enough goodwill to get you through the first excruciating 24 hours. Especially because doing a juice cleanse properly also means eliminating coffee. Wild, I know.

If there’s anything I learned from my most recent, 3-day juice cleanse, it’s that the body gets really fucking weird when you starve it of the nutrients it has come to know and love. In total honesty, the cleanse does become easier with every day and you do feel pretty great afterwards, but here’s a basic rundown of what your first day will be like, should you choose to try it out.

8:30am: A pretty little box from Jrink Juicery (highly recommended if you’re in the DC-area) is on my doorstep. This is basically like Christmas morning! I attempt to pick the box up. It weighs a million pounds. It’s too early for this. How will I survive? Wait, I haven’t even started the cleanse yet. Buck the fuck up, Trimber.

8:32am: Holy shit. This cleanse requires you to drink six 16-oz bottles of juice per day. That’s like, soooo much liquid. I’m going to be so full my body won’t know what to do with itself!

8:40am: Okay, the fridge is stocked and honestly really pretty. I feel super healthy just looking at my fridge full of juices.

8:42am: I’m drinking the first one now. It’s a green juice. Not too bad. Tastes pretty good, actually. I’m gonna rock this.

10:36am: My stomach just audibly growled. It was so loud that my cat was sitting next to me, but jumped off the couch because she was scared.

10:38am: I miss coffee.

10:43am: I almost just puked. But I’m not entirely sure whether it’s because I’m hungry or because I’m going through a severe caffeine withdrawal. Why do I drink so much coffee again??

11:17am: I’m so hungry I just took an inventory of the fruit bowl. I’ve never been so enticed by an orange in my life.

12:06pm: Oh boy, my digestive track is getting a little wild. Storm’s a-brewin. Thank God I work from home so no one will hear all of my farts. Except the cat. She’s judging again.

12:18pm: I’m so faded and lightheaded. I actually feel kind of stoned. It’s sort of cool, but also kind of terrible.

1:12pm: INTESTINAL DISTRESS! I feel like a disgusting human, taking trips to the bathroom every 10 minutes. Christ. But on the bright side, all this increased time on the toilet has put me more in touch with my Tinder. Maybe I’ll schedule some dates for next week.

1:45pm: What if my teeth fall out from lack of use? What will I tell people if that happens? I should definitely eat something. For the sake of having strong, healthy teeth. Yes, that’s what I should do.

2:15pm: I just casually sniffed a bag of coffee beans, in the hopes of somehow becoming caffeinated through their aroma.

3:00pm: I’ve been staring at a blank Word document for 45 minutes. Someone please send help.

4:00pm: Oh shit, I forgot my dad’s birthday dinner is tonight. At a restaurant. That has food. That I can’t eat. Fuck.

4:43pm: Just tried to open my fifth juice of the day, a.k.a. “dinner” but I couldn’t open it because I am physically that weak. Just shouted “For fuck’s sake!” at the top of my lungs. The neighbors might have heard.

5:30pm: My family is really weirded out by my presence right now. I’m so delirious I can’t stop talking. Literally. I just talked for five minutes straight. Specifically, about the consistency of my poops (which is not ideal, btw). Was that juice actually a weed tincture and I didn’t know? Oh god, oh god, please shut up!!

7:05pm: Wait, I actually feel kind of good?

7:07pm: Just kidding.

9:05pm: I just farted but I’m kind of worried I actually pooped.

10:00pm: Okay, last juice of the day. This one is pretty baller. It’s basically freshly pressed almond milk blended with some kale. Still green, but still delicious. The perfect way to end the day.

Needless to say, I slept pretty well that night. The following two days of the cleanse surprisingly weren’t terrible. This could be because my stomach shrunk from its normal size of a small human child to the size of a pea in one day, but hey, whatever works. If you ever decide to do a juice cleanse, I will support you. If you don’t ever want to do a juice cleanse, I will also support you.

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

7 Fun FLIP CUP Variations People Are Playing At Parties

If you love drinking beer in massive quantities but have poor aim, your go-to game should be Flip Cup, if it isn’t already. Not to mention, the game is pretty simple and requires very little coordination, so your performance can remain high despite your steadily increasing BAC. But with all games that are a little redundant, they can get kind of boring. Here are some variations on the traditional Flip Cup that’ll keep your party poppin’.

1. T-Rex Arms


You know the T-Rex. As King of the Dinosaurs, they were extremely powerful and widely feared. In retrospect, this seems kind of strange because they had pretty short arms compared to the proportions of their body, which contributed to extremely poor coordination. The T-Rex pretty much walked around like he owned the place, but basically just thrashed its tail awkwardly and recklessly in an assertion of power. This variation on Flip Cup requires you to embody the dinosaur.

The game is played as normal, except you must flip your cup as a Tyrannosaurus Rex would – with extremely short arms and poor motor skills. Retract your arms from your t-shirt sleeves so that only your hand is showing through the arm hole. When done properly, your elbows will be pressed against your torso, and you will only have your hand for movement, rather than your entire arm. Once you get it right, you’ll want to roar in frustration like a T-Rex while attempting to flip your cup.

2. Dance Moves

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Remember when you went to birthday parties as a kid and were blindfolded, spun around in circles until you almost vomited, and were then allowed to aimlessly approach a pinata with a baseball bat? This variation of Flip Cup draws from this tradition, minus the aggression and free candy.

When it’s your turn to flip the cup, chug your beer, and then spin around in a circle as fast as you can before you flip. If you miss, you’re out of luck, because you must spin again before attempting to flip for the second time. Try not to barf.

3. Survivor


If you got stuck with a shitty flip cup team, Survivor is a great, objective way to keep playing and drinking, but in a way that everyone has an equal chance at winning. Recruit an innocent bystander to drop a cup on the table. Once the cup makes contact, chug your beer and flip your cup as fast as you can. Once you have successfully flipped, raise your hands up in the air to signify you’re done. Whoever is slowest to flip and raise their hands is ejected from the game.

After the first round, you can dismiss your kind, cup-dropping bystander, because from then on, the loser of that round is the person who drops the cup for the next round. Play until a winner has been identified. If things get close and two people flip their cup successfully at the same time, make them do a Flip-Off to decide the winner. When doing a Flip-Off, each person drinks and flips two cups instead of one.

4. Team Survivor


Team Survivor is basically a combination Survivor and regular Flip Cup. This game requires two teams, just like the original rendition. Conduct the game as a normal flip cup game, with each person only picking up their cup when the person before them has flipped and landed. The losing team, however, must eject one player from the game.

Ideally, you want to eliminate your weakest link, so boot off that dude who took five tries to flip or the person who was to drunk to realize when it was their turn to go. But even when you kick a person off, their cup must remain. There must be the same number of cups on in play at all times. That means once a person is booted off, someone has to drink double. That also means that towards the end of the game, one person might have to drink and flip seven cups in a row. Fun, right?

5. Bob the Builder

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Grab your hard hats, folks, because this game of Bob the Builder requires drunk people to try building something. Yikes. Everything about this game is the same as regular flip cup (drink and flip), but after you flip your cup, you have to build one big pyramid along with your teammates. If you’re playing in a big group with ten people per team, this can get really challenging.

Whichever team that finishes drinking, flipping, and building their pyramid wins. On the downside, if your pyramid collapses, you have to keep going as a team until it’s rebuilt. Have your beer pitcher handy in case your team sucks and you have to go three rounds each before succeeding.

6. Flip Cup Extreme


If you’ve reached a point in your debauchery where you’re full of drunken bravado, this game is for you. Again, it’s pretty similar to normal flip cup, but instead of starting with the cup right side up and flipping it onto the brim, you do the opposite. Drink your beer, start with the cup brim side down, and then flip it so it’s right-side-up. This doesn’t sound very hard, but think about how much less surface area of landing room you have on the table.

7. No Hands


No Hands is probably the messiest and most fun way to play flip cup, mainly because it’s entertaining watching everyone struggle. Like the name suggests, using your hands is completely out of the picture. When it’s your turn to drink, grab your cup with your teeth and tilt it back slowly so the beer goes in your mouth. It’s considered cheating if you do this but just spill your entire cup down your body. Once you have graciously tipped back your beer, place the cup on the table, and either continue to use your teeth or employ a suction technique to manipulate your cup onto its other side.

May the flips be ever in your favor.

Categories
Features Hit-Or-Miss Humor

Kissing And Eating Frogs: A Female Foodie’s Dating Adventures

It’s no secret the food world is overwhelmingly dominated by men. That doesn’t mean great female culinarians don’t exist, because they totally do. Some of my personal idols include Alex Guarnaschelli, a total sweetheart yet hardass known for her scrutiny as a judge on the show Chopped, Amanda Freitag, an almost docile woman who can turn on the heat literally and figuratively in the kitchen, and Chrissy Teigen, because she eats whatever she wants and doesn’t give a fuck.

I’m not saying I’m even close to these professionals on the totem pole – I’m not an officially trained chef – but I do know a lot about food. My entire life basically consists of developing recipes for my blog The Bacon Princess, eating food, photographing food, writing about food, reviewing restaurants, maybe sleeping, and then repeating the whole cycle every day.

When I meet new people my age, I feel almost like a circus attraction. Living in Washington, D.C. it’s rare to find a millennial employed by someone other than the Federal Government, and when they find out I “do” food as a living, the fact usually leaves them agape. In this case, I’m just talking about meeting new friends. Dating is a completely different story. When a guy first hears that a) I love bacon (hence my blog name) and b) I eat a lot of food, it’s almost like their brain short circuits for about 30 seconds straight until they know how to process it.

Here are some of the guys I have encountered in the dating world after they find out I’m a girl who is passionate about food:

1. The Showoff

I went on a date with a seemingly pleasant gentleman to a restaurant in Washington, D.C. called Thip Khao. The joint serves traditional Laotian cuisine, and it is fantastic. I actually think the guy picked this place, which was refreshing. But when the meal started, I could tell why.

This fucker had apparently traveled through Laos on some janky boat, and because of this, considered himself an expert in everything Laotian. It took nearly 45 minutes to place our damn order, because he kept engaging the server in detailed conversations about the most obscure things on the menu, proving that he knew what they were, in an attempt to dazzle me with his vast knowledge of Laotian cuisine. On the walk back to the metro, I finally thought we had landed on a normal conversation about childhood pets, but after I mentioned my family had a dog he replied, “I’ve never had a dog as a pet, but I’ve eaten one before.”

2. The Boozehound

Just because I appreciate great food doesn’t mean I need to eat like a princess all the time. But when a guy suggests we have our first date at a grungy bar known for buckets of unidentifiable liquors and blacking out on Saturday nights, I just can’t. So instead, I suggested one of my favorite restaurants in the city I knew had great happy hour deals, and an impressive assortment of local beers on tap. Guys like beer, right?

Turns out the dude was already two vodka cranberry’s deep by the time I arrived fashionably late by a whopping two minutes. The vodka cranberries continued throughout the duration of the date, which by some miracle lasted ninety minutes instead of thirty. Turns out we should have just gone to the dingy bar…or maybe he could have just gone and imbibed without me.

3. The Plain John

Washington, D.C. has some pretty awesome food places. One of my personal favorites is a local chain called &pizza, where you can customize your pie and wait while it’s made right in front of you. However, the best thing about &pizza is that there is only a base price for customizable pizzas, rather than charging you extra per topping, for which many pizza places are notorious.

I don’t know about you, but I go wild with that shit. I’m going to get everything that will physically fit put on that pizza. If you’re a little more modest, I can understand opting for maybe two or three toppings. But I went here with a dude and he legit ordered a straight cheese pizza. Not even three-cheese or four-cheese. Literally just crust with sauce and cheese on it. Do you know what this tells me about your moves in the bedroom? Bye.

4. The Tinder (Douchebag)

Admittedly, I hopped on the Tinder bandwagon in its early days. It was good clean fun to me. I swiped at work when things were slow, on the metro when I could get service, whenever I was on the toilet – you get the picture. My profile definitely mentions my affinity for bacon, and this has turned out to be a great conversation starter.

One day, I opened a message from a pretty attractive guy. He was impressed I liked bacon. Most guys are. He checked out my Instagram, did his homework, and asked an incredibly reasonable question: “Do you get paid to promote bacon?” I replied that I didn’t but have been given ample supply of the fine meat in the past by certain purveyors. He then says, “Cool. You eat a lot of bacon, but I like that you’re still trim.” Glad my body is good enough for you, bro.

5. The Carnivore

A few weeks ago I was speaking with another guy from Tinder about food. He worked in the restaurant industry and also sold fine wines, so I felt at home. We had a good amount to talk about. For some reason he was really shocked when I said one of my favorite foods was chicken wings, so we set a date to get our wings on. I would assume many girls are overly conscious about what they look like while eating wings, or if they have sauce on their face, but I don’t really give a shit.

I met with the guy in-person, ready to get some wings in my belly, but he decided to go for the gold and order ostrich. I’m not really sure why this barbecue place decided to have ostrich on the menu, but they did and the dude ate every bite. I have to admit, I was a little turned on. I love a man who can eat adventurously.

6. The Guy That Makes It Weird

When I was living in Chicago, I got a lot more messages about the bacon aspect of my Tinder profile. I am correlating this to the fact that Chicago is a meat-eater’s dream, with hot dogs, cheese steaks, and deep-dish pizzas loaded with pepperoni around every corner. One day, I received a first message from a guy that literally said, “How about you come over, I cover you in bacon, and let’s get busy.” I briefly decided to entertain his fantasy by asking “Cooked or raw?” to which he replied “raw.” Strange. Am I Lady Gaga, or something? Even I’m not into that. The same guy actually happened to walk into the restaurant I worked at one night and we exchanged a very awkward glance of recognition for a painful amount of time.

7. The One Who Just Really Doesn’t Get It

I have a weakness for cocktails. Not rum and cokes or bourbon gingers, but carefully crafted cocktails. Obviously I drink the shitty ones too because I’m not rich and I am indeed a human, but I can appreciate the time and skill it takes to make a good drink. In a surprising twist of events for me, I actually “dated” a guy for nearly three months. He was alright. Except, he did not share my affinity for skillfully composed food or drink. This turned out to be an issue.

Knowing that he liked whiskey, I took him to Jack Rose Dining Saloon, a well-known whiskey bar in the Adams Morgan neighborhood of DC. This place is legendary. They have so many different types of whiskey, they literally have one of those library ladder things to move around just so they can navigate the whole collection. I thought he would love it. But then he saw the price of one cocktail was $13. Sure, that’s steep, but for the quality, is it really? Good whiskey can be pretty expensive.

He explicitly said, “I’m not going to buy a cocktail at that price when I can buy a whole unit of whiskey for less.” Bruh, what kind of piss whiskey you drinkin’? I’m out.

8. The Wine and Dine-r

Every once in awhile, I am impressed by the culinary aptitude of a man my age. I don’t mean to sound degrading at all, but there are a lot of people in the “eat to live” camp versus the “live to eat camp.” One time, a dashing gentleman invited me over to his apartment for a home-cooked meal. I obliged mostly because I thought this would be pretty entertaining for me, watching a guy struggle in the kitchen.

But this man did not struggle. When I arrived, there was already a bottle of red wine in the decanter. A DECANTER! I didn’t know people actually owned those things. When I asked him what was for dinner, he said sushi-grade Ahi tuna with freshly sliced (not pre-packaged!) kiwi as a garnish. This was impressive. Needless to say, that date went well.

9. The Exhibitionist

There are always those guys on Tinder, whatever dating app, or even in-person that are trying to see you naked from the get go. You may call these people “males,” but I prefer to refer them to exhibitionists. I was approached by a scantily clad muscle man on Tinder who was trying to get the conversation started, but instead of asking for a nude, he decided to mix it up. He said, “Hi. How’s it going? Care to exchange Snapchat? Send me your best food baby photo and I’ll send back a photo of my abs. Fair deal?” Whether this guy is turned on by food or baby bumps, the world will never know.

While I’m not certain whether other females who chose food as a livelihood have encountered the same near-freak incidents as I have, I do know that food is and will always be my most loyal love. As long as I remain the type of girl who values humor and a great story, I shall toil forward through the dating game, ready for whatever characters I meet next.