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Hit-Or-Miss

These TV Show Foods Aren’t Real, but Our Hunger for Them Is

Have you ever been watching TV and started salivating? And not just from Red Lobster’s commercial with the cheddar bay biscuits (shit gets me every time). Sometimes, our favorite shows feature delicious foods that we will never get to try. Thanks a lot, Willy Wonka, for making me think that technology with the chocolate bar would be available sometime in the near future. IT NEVER HAPPENED. Anyways, I decided to compile a list of the foods that I’m most disappointed I can’t try:

 

Cheesy Blasters from 30 Rock

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“First you take a hotdog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza…you got cheesy blasters! And then Meat Cat flies away on his skateboard.” Admit it, that combination of ingredients is what dreams are made of. Plus the theme song sounds ridiculously real. I can hear it playing in between episodes of The Bachelor right now.

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A Cornball from Arrested Development

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I bet you thought I was gonna say a banana from the Bluth’s banana stand. Sorry, I’ve had tons of bananas before, and you know what I’ve never had? A cornball. I imagine it being like a hush puppy or the outside of those little Nathan’s hotdog poppers. Basically fried corn and dough aka heaven-on-earth-get-that-in-my-mouth. I’m sure I would burn my hands in the process but it’ll be worth it “every damn time”.

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Rachel’s Traditional English Trifle from Friends

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Sure, this thing sounded totally gross, but didn’t you want to have just a little piece? Were you not the least bit curious? I was! If you get past the sautéed beef, the other 6 ingredients sound pretty damn delicious. Plus, Rachel tried, okay?! She made an effort! Show some respect. She probably gave you your haircut in the 90’s, after all.

Duff Beer from The Simpsons

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Who doesn’t dream of cracking open an ice cold Duff after a long day at work? Apparently, you can actually get your hands on this stuff via Firebox.com (whether it’s exactly like the real thing or not, we’ll never know). Try not to let your college buddy yell at you for choosing Duff over Pawtucket Patriot Ale from Family Guy.

A Krabby Patty from Spongebob Squarepants

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As a kid, all I wanted was to get my hands on a Krabby Patty. Now as an adult, the desire has not waned. Why do they look so tasty? Can I have one with jellyfish jelly? Would they be soggy? I don’t care. I feel like Plankton and all I want is to get that secret recipe. If anyone is down to scuba dive with me to Bikini Bottom, please let me know. Serious inquiries only.

JJ’s Diner Waffles from Parks and Recreation

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JJ’s Diner has the best waffles in the world because JJ’s is located in the best town in the world – Pawnee. They’re fluffy and perfect and they’re served with just the right amount of whipped cream. I’m sorry, I meant to say a mountain* of whipped cream. Leslie-style.

Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls from South Park

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Very hesitant to write a description for this one. Are you going to take it the wrong way and think I’m being sexual? Probably. Whatever – if you say you never wanted to try one of Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls, then you’re a liar. And maybe racist. 

By Brittany Migs

Brittany is an NYC-based snack enthusiast who likes food and music more than she likes most people. One time, she ate 50 chicken nuggets and it wasn't on a dare.

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