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6 Ways To Ruin A Milkshake

 

 

Most people can agree that milkshakes preside over the non-alcoholic beverage community like the royalty they are. Whether you crave monstrous milkshakes from establishments like New York’s Black Craft Burgers and Beer, or you prefer to keep things simple with local diner fare, however, everyone has their breaking point when it comes to their milkshake. Here are the most common ways your milkshake can be ruined and result in zero boys showing up in your yard.

 

1. Thick Milkshake

Depending on how frivolous the establishment gets with their toppings, an incredibly thick milkshake quickly turns into an ice cream sundae. These milkshakes often come with spoons and, unless ordered as a dessert, no one should need to constantly use a utensil for the beverage when they most likely aren’t even using utensils for their food.

Don’t be a hero; save your lungs and ask for a smoother milkshake.

 

2. Flimsy Straws

Dear server, if you’re going to give me a milkshake thicker than a supermodel’s hair, at least give me more than a coffee straw to inhale it. Maybe you’re out of the big kid straws or maybe you just switched straw providers, but I’m out out of patience and have acquired permanent duck face.

Even if you blessed the table with properly blended (read: liquid) shakes, a cheap straw can quickly cave under the pressure. Please, save lips everywhere from the wrath of a broken straw and get some boba-tea-quality straws. At the very least, use bendy or otherwise festive straws; I’m not ordering a milkshake to feel like an adult.

 

3. Thin Milkshake

Occasionally, people get a little trigger-happy with the blender and you’re presented with a glass of milk. Not only does this concoction just taste like sugary milk, you’re predisposed to drink it too fast. Brain freeze and a sugar rush? Let’s keep that ice cream to milk ratio in check, for all of our sakes.

 

4. A Mountain of Whipped Cream

Regardless of your feelings about whipped cream, its presence atop a milkshake presents a conundrum. Do you eat your way through to get to the shake or do you let it gradually mix into the shake as you drink it, slowly forming a substantial foam puddle at the bottom of the glass?

Either way, you end up eating far too much whipped cream at one end of your milkshake or not really getting to enjoy any whipped cream at all.

 

5. Milk

For lactose intolerant people, milkshakes are at the direct intersection of a diet cheat day and a mild food allergy. Tempting yet dangerous, these otherwise innocuous beverages have been the downfall of many poor souls.

 

6. No Extra Tin

No matter how large of a milkshake your server sets down in front of you, you’re always going to feel cheated if you don’t get the metal tin with the extra shake from the blender. It may not be a full shake, but it feels like an extra shake. What kind of monster would take that away from us?

 

By J. Fergus

J. is an overbearing pizza snob who loves putting as much sugar as possible in cupcakes and coffee. They eagerly awaits diabetes.

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