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14 Awful British Foods That Make Us Proud to Be American

haggis

This holiday, it’s easy to get caught up in the frills. Fireworks, grilling, the old red, white, and blue. But let’s not forget the true reason for the season, celebrating our liberation from our staunch, haggis-eating, tea-drinking forefathers. Think about it. If we hadn’t told GB to buzz off, we may have never created the Double Down. Girl Scout Cookies would only be eaten at tea time. French fries would be called chips and chips would be called crisps. Crisps!

So, this Independence Day, remember there’s plenty reason to revel in our independence, especially the fact that we didn’t get stuck eating that awful soggy grey stuff they call “food” on the other side of the pond. Sure Britain’s got its cool accents and nifty TV shows, but we’ll take a deep-fried twinkie over this mess any day:

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1. Stargazey Pie

stargazy

Pastry pie topped with fish heads

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2. Jellied Eels

jelliedeeg

Like unagi, only gross

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3. Haggis

haggis

A pudding thing made from sheep heart, liver, and lungs

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4. Black Pudding

blackpudding

A pudding sausage thing made from pig’s blood

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5. Baby Gaga Ice Cream

babygaga

Warning: Made from human breast milk

PicThx Mother Nature Network 

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6. Spotted Dick

spotteddick

Another pudding thing made with raisins; thankfully not diseased genitalia

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7. Laverbread

leverbread

Seaweed thing?

PicThx Neil Cooks Grigson

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8. Sussex Pond Pudding

sussex

A boiled cake with a whole lemon inside. Why is it boiled?

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9. Turkey Twizzlers

twizzlers

What looks like Britain’s version of Slim Jims, only a million times more frightening

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10. Marmite

marmite

Yeast extract-based salty poop sauce

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11. Bubble and Squeak

bubble

Medley of last night’s leftover cabbage

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12. Pork Faggots

porkfaggot copy

Unfortunately named offal meatballs

PicThx Lily In Canada

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13. Flies Graveyard

fliesgraveyard

Giant raisin newtons

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14. Mushy Peas

peas

Not gross necessarily. Still sad looking though.

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Happy 4th of July everybody!

(CORRECTION 7/3/14: A previous version of this article listed Pickled Eggs as a British food. They are British in origin, but can also be found worldwide.)

By Dominique Zamora

Dominique would be a foodie if she had money to pay for food. For now, she gets by just looking at food photography, which results in at least one more starving journalism student every time Instagram breaks down.

45 replies on “14 Awful British Foods That Make Us Proud to Be American”

Some of these look awesome. Flies Graveyard, Pork Faggots and Turkey Twizzlers all look tasty. And since when are pickled eggs a crazy British food? They’re in every deli and convenience store in the US!

It’s not bread pudding, it’s a warm fruit cake. (I’m English, maybe it’s different where you live). Bread pudding is something completely different here.

What a crock of sh#t, twizzlers are rare, pickled eggs are all over the world, haggis is Scottish, stargazer pie?, I have lived in the UK 50 years, its so rare its unbelievable…your research is appalling.

I’m an American and I love black pudding. Its delicious when done right. And that photo is horrible. Not sure if its deep fried or what but that’s something that wouldn’t be done for proper black pudding.

Yeah, no. Ireland isn’t in Britain. Northern Ireland isn’t part of Britain either.
Face it, you made a typical ignorant American mistake and are now trying to backpeddle after Googling it. Typical.
Also, Northern Ireland is merely a region. Ireland is one, single country, partially divided by political nonsense. We’re still one country. Please stop trying to school people on socio-political geography when you clearly know nothing about it, like most Americans. Dopey cunt.

Er, no. I just said that Northern Ireland was part of the United Kingdom and not Britain. I certainly didn’t need to Google that to find out, what with me being British. Less of the assumptions, perhaps. Also, Northern Ireland is a country in it’s own right so maybe before you start being a complete and utter cunt, you should get your facts straight. You seem to be somewhat of a hypocrite as you clearly know fuck all about geography either.

If you’re the Guest he was replying to, you said Scotland and Ireland were both in Britain; you didn’t say in the UK. And if Scotland Yes passes, you won’t get to say it’s in the not-United-anymore-Kingdom either.

Everyone is talking about pickled eggs in the US………..I have, not once, seen them in ALL of New York. Is it a West Coast thing? Midwest? because it is NOT here!

I live in Maine and we have pickled eggs in every corner store and gas station here. Although, I don’t know anyone, personally, who actually buys them. Also, we have some pretty disgusting food in the U.S. as well so….

I don’t eat meat any more, but back when I did I enjoyed the Evil Black Pudding breakfast (my wife likes the white pudding version better, but she also eats those Taiwanese fried rice with pork blood cubes.)
I’ll eat just about any of those things that don’t have meat in them, though I confess that I don’t actually open the jar of Marmite in my fridge very often, and spotted dick out of a can is probably about as unlike the real thing as tamales out of a can.

I wonder if the author has actually tasted any of these dishes. I’m not even British but this article really bothers me. While I am sure it was meant in a light-hearted fashion, it doesn’t come across as such, leaving the writer looking like a jerk or an idiot. C’mon, Food Beast, you can do better than this caca.

Well, no, they can’t. A lot of their articles are based on poking fun at weird foods, which is rather contradictory, considering other articles here are aimed at praising crap I wouldn’t even feed to my dogs.

I kind of wonder if you or Linda Lovelush actually understand humour. As a former
Brit, I found this article to be tastily offensive and of course funny.

Some of the dishes are of course delicious, but to people of many other cultures they would seem horrid.

Please lighten up, ladies.

My two Poms are named Bubble & Squeak. Recently my wife cooked bubble & squeak (note lack of caps – the dogs are still with us) and it wasn’t bad. Not by itself, maybe, but with, say, bratwurst it wouldn’t be bad. And haggis wasn’t bad when we had it in Scotland. 12 & 13 don’t look too bad, either, but 1 & 2? Ee-yuck.

Spotted dick is actually pretty tasty and Laver bread is a sister species of nori, like you get on sushi, so if you like sushi, you’d probably enjoy laver. It’s usually served fried in bacon fat with cockles.

I work at a sushi bar, the things I have served in the last two years makes Brittish food look more and more appealing. Not that Japanese food is bad, you just get use to eating weird things.

The first time I had natto, the sushi chef said he didn’t like the stuff; it’s a Tokyo thing and he was from some other city and thought it was gross. And fried eels are definitely a win over jellied, but maybe the jellied ones keep longer.

Natto is not just a Tokyo thing, a recent survey showed 96% of the people survey across Japan ate natto daily, only 76% said they enjoyed it, the rest just ate it for health benefits. Also I have a manager from Hokkaido that loves it so much she refuses to share as “it’s too good for Americans”.

And I believe, but am not certain, that the jelly in the jellied eels is just the cooked off fat from the eels, as eels are very fatty.

Not sure about the jelly; my mother used to make aspics with unsweetened gelatin and various flavors in them, tomatoes and olives and such. It was a 50s Midwestern thing.

Ah, of course this article was written by Dominique, the most dunderheaded woman ever to scrape together the wherewithal to write an article on the internet. Usually whenever there’s an incredibly ignorant or idiotic article on this website, her name is at the bottom and this one is no different.

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